Tragically Fine

In a One Dimensional World, There are No "Good Sides."

Posted by Kyle Jacobson , Monday, October 11, 2010 6:34 PM

"Grumble. Grumble." Grumbled my stomach.
 "I'm fine," I coaxed myself.
"Grumble! Grumble!" Today, he was insistent.
"Will you turn that thing off?" shouted the small, insecure man in the corner as he chewed on his necktie.

        I resent anyone who prefers the taste of diamond patterned polyester over plain printed silk. It shows a lack of etiquette if you ask me. The man glared at me, but missed, hitting a newly-trained temp in the right shoulder.
"Ouch," she exclaimed, "that almost hurt as much as the evil eye I got last Monday. Right in the forehead!" Her British accent wore off into more of a slight speech impediment as she spoke.

         "I could go off to lunch, but then who would be here to do all these exponentially monotonous tasks?" Decisions made my brain hurt.

         I immediately imagined up twenty nine miniature men, Irish decent, to stand each on one letter of the keyboard, the spacebar, period, and perhaps a comma, if necessary. The little men would, in harmonized unison, jump up and down on the various keys, wearing silly hats, for the sole purpose of typing completely dull sentences onto the vibrant screen. If they made a mistake, they would obviously be forced to relocate Engineer "P" onto the backspace button and give Engineer "O" double duty to manage the keys "P" and "O". Engineer "O" would obviously be involved with a union and require overtime pay for his two-times work load. We would respect his demands, giving him three chocolate chips in lieu of the standard allotment of two.

        These imagined replacements allowed me to feel comfortable enough to make my way up to the cafeteria named either "cooks: in training" or "cook: sin training". And leave the monotony to them, for the time being.

        The doors of the cafeteria opened quickly and shut even more quickly. I walked too slowly and was consequently split in half by the sheer force of the door closing.

        "Looks like we're going dutch!" I said to my other half. My left half glanced around, hoping no one else heard that joke. My right half became annoyed with my left half for thinking he was better than him. To understand this enmity, we must understand the character of the brains.The left brain is termed as the logical side. It is also usually arrogant, as well as ostentatious as times permit. The right brain is known for it's creativity. This brain is insecure, but can occasionally paint.

         When I was finally able to pull myself together, I stood in line for the grill. There was no one else in front of me, yet the grill man insisted that I would be helped once all the other customer's had ordered first. I looked for his logic; All I found were two paper clips and some pocket lint that looked like no one even remotely famous.

         I ordered the chicken quesadilla. Unfortunately they were out of chicken, and quesadillas. They charged me $5.13 for a paper plate covered with an amateur drawing of what was supposed to resemble a quesadilla.



                                             Sub-terminally,
                                                                     Kyle