Red Bull employs registered punch spikers: More at 10.

Posted by Kyle Jacobson , Tuesday, July 20, 2010 6:10 PM

"I WHAT?!?" Kyle shrieked inside of his plural brain stem as he reached into his pockets to find his wallet in the form of a small piece of pocket lint. How it became such a space saving piece of worthlessness, he could never assume. Along with the transfiguration of his wallet, also went his bus pass. He slumped down into a crevasse to drown his troubles away with a slightly off-colored "crazy" laugh. It didn't work. His mind seemed to trip over various ideas, hitting it's head, and then realizing that they weren't good ideas at all. Which always seemed to unnerve Kyle. He finally put on his thinking cap until it became unbearably sweaty and was forced to take it off. If he were to leave it on for just a fraction of a second, around 5/8ths (rounded to the nearest 'th' of course) he would have received a brilliant idea to walk to the nearest Wells Fargo bank and withdraw two dollars to pay for his bus fare and simultaneously fend off a rival grudge against a well-known bankeress named "Catthy". More well known for her easily misspelled name rather than her complete and  utter lack of banking talents. In his case it does deal a bit more with the talent portion. Instead, He began to pace around building Q. He paced around until he caused such an intricate pattern of vibratory waves to instantaneously shift earth's gravity ninety degrees southward. There isn't quite anything as shocking as removing the responsibility of ground and promoting it to wall. In other words, he fell. Since ground has failed to exist, he kept falling, and falling, and falling, did I mention falling? If not, falling with a strong mixture of falling sprinkled with chocolate fallings. All was fine in terms of obstacles until the Jengersons decided to move. As a side note, and excluding ground rules since they no longer make sense or exist, the Jengersons have lived in their Jayco Designer 31RLTS on the corner 6th north for some time. At two o' clock in the
afternoon, they made quite a spontaneous decision. They wanted to move. And not a routine "Let's get's shakes for Bo's celeberated dayh of berth" kind of move. They were going to head south, to Jimmy Jake's RV park with heated sewage removal pumps located on 3rd south. What they were only half-expecting was for gravity to also decide it needed a change of scenery. What Kyle was not expecting, clearly after not expecting the whole gravity junk, was for the Jengersons to be in his way. Good thing Kyle drank 76 Red Bulls at lunch, since not only does it give you wings but when mixed with cookies with way too much baking soda, it makes one fireproof. At a free-falling acceleration of 9.8m/s (not taking into account air friction) he turned into a raging ball of fire and sliced through the RV like a soggy marshmallow on the end of a 5 yr old's roasting stick. The only injuries he managed to obtain was a large gash in his aortic artery which was instantly cauterized and therefore didn't leave much lasting damage and an increasingly awesome scar. Kyle is still plummeting towards the ground which no longer exists and he sure hopes it stays that way.

 P.s. I plan for suing Red Bull for millions in medical charges when they begin adding a fireproof angle on their advertisements after rejecting a partnership with my "Baking Soda Cookies" franchise.

2 Response to "Red Bull employs registered punch spikers: More at 10."

David Porcaro Says:

This totally reminds me of the way Douglas Adams writes (Hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy). Kyle you make me laugh so much.

Kyle "Danger" Jacobson Says:

David, you have no idea what that comment means. Douglas Adams is my hero. If I could speak with one man that has already passed on it would be him.

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