Tragically Fine

It rains and it pours, poor old man who snores.

Posted by Kyle Jacobson , Thursday, July 15, 2010 7:25 PM

Killing inanimate objects can be one of the most complex hobbies on the IN side of IN N' OUT. It requires the fundamentals: Brute strength, treacherous dexterity, fascinating abs, and calm reluctance. What most don't know of are the more technical aspects of such a task. It begins with, silence.

      The night wore on. I finally unearthed the reason why NCIS was having a three hour marathon and Mountain Standard Time had spontaneously become Pacific Time, throwing the entire system of schedules and organization to the wind. When one finds this out for the first time, he may feel the wind being knocked out of him, then back in, swirled three times counterclockwise and then out again. Advertisements have never been so misleading. I had assumed that the series premier of my Television dramady/comedrama Psych was scheduled to be on at 10/9c. And yes, I did rule out that maybe "c" stood for cents or continued theory. It decided to air at eleven, throwing my biological clock out the window and making a stupid pun about how "time flies." When that happened, the air that was forced out of my body was currently swimming around my florescent light fixture like most moths. It decided to return into my left lung making the right one completely jealous and leaping out of my navel. I prefer to have the wind knocked out than whatever happened there. Then to top off my premiering experience, I received a lovely package from my aunt, Agnes, the headache. The contents of the package contained: one Agnes and a completely
unnecessary large amount of packaging peanuts, which semi-clearly exacerbated the situation. Then that famous jingle, the one so famous it may not fit into the "jingle" category, serenaded my ear-drums with its soft rock beat. It has begun. It played. It ended. The intensity and comic relief went hand in hand, arm in arm, gullet in gullet. Then I passed out on the couch. I was anticipating the waking up to the loudest alarm clock in the Eastern and Western hemispheres, so loud in fact that the Lucky Loser Orphanage in Singapore uses my alarm in lieu of purchasing one of their own. It would have been the loudest alarm in all the recorded July the 15ths in the world, had it not also fallen on a Thursday morning. Ever since Y2K, every Thursday had been declared the national weekly ghost hamster "sneak into every apartment and turn all alarms off" day as well. Resulting in silence and the immediate death of a factory made alarm clock. I became late for work.