Posted by Kyle Jacobson , Monday, April 25, 2011 7:05 AM

Let's begin this morning with a slight adventure with a sleight of hand, aka prestidigitation or to the less fortunate known as legerdemain. I wouldn't consider myself a magician, mainly because to consider oneself is overrated and undercool. However, I would say I share some of the underlying traits of a magician. For example, two weeks ago I was skipping rocks in an underground cave with a lake the color of the sky and a sky the color of a Montana. In one word, Shimmering. In two words, Really Shimmering. There was a small hat, compared to a life-size recreation of what should have been a new planet I was working on creating. In this hat was a tag that clearly stated: do not wash with silks, balsa wood, communists or any other delicate items. So... I did. And what happened next is almost indescribable. I just realized, since I said almost in the previous sentence, I must out of sheer duty to sentence structure and story continuation tell you what happened next. FRANKIE MUNEZ! Pardon my Cantonese. Here goes.
                  Have you ever seen a fish swallow itself whole? Me too. Now this question prefaces the following:  the cave began to tremble, and not the tax-free kind. The walls ached with the tense pressure similar to what snow dogs experience in the summer. The opening to the cave started spitting out rabbits with very unpleasant looks on their faces that said something along the lines of, "just when things started to look up." And that wasn't even the worst part. I recognize that in such situations one must curl into the fetal position and start counting how many fingers you have. "If you don't get passed eight, remember to count your thumbs," my early mother will say. I did not get into the fetalition (saves time) as I probably should have. The rabbits huddled in a corner like football players do before breaking both of your legs "accidentally" and I could smell their plotting scheming minds laboring profusely. Rabbits make me sick. To avoid being eaten alive by 212 monty python rabbits, I snuck out the convenient door set in the back of the cave. I am very glad the elements of nature had the foresight enough to erode a well crafted door for these types of situations.
                    And that my faithful, never failing readers, is why I am a quarter magician and three quarters speluncaphobic.
               If you're interested, this cave can be found at (r, θ), (r, θ+2π) according to the polar coordinate system.


The Sky is Falling and My Umbrella is Pink.

Posted by Kyle Jacobson , Thursday, April 21, 2011 5:33 PM

As everyone knows, I love to be mainstream and do everything that everyone else is doing. Every time. Hahahahaha. That was a good one Kyle. Now tell them why you brought that up. Okay. I must gravely tell you, my alluring audience, that I did something that rings of clichedom, but is individual to me and who I am. That is my justification and I am almost practically aware of my surety that has been founded in a foggy haze of what once seemed like a good idea. I made a dixie cup list. It's like a bucket list only not a bucket and smaller in scale. Also, it won't end in death. At least not more than once. Here it is. I hope it gives you a pleasant feeling in one or both of your kidneys.

                            Dixie Cup List (50 things I want to do before summer is over).

  1. Move Out
  2. Write a 2nd Novelette
  3. Work at least 1 day on a mid to high budget movie
  4. Climb The Thinking Peak
  5. Road Trip W/ Sam
  6. Start a business
  7. Dye my hair blue
  8. Paint my face and go sit in the mall
  9. Eat lunch in the food court with friends all wearing large masks (preferably tribal)
  10. Dress up in full wrestling outfit and wrestle in a public place
  11. Dress up for every movie I see in theaters
  12. Read stories to kids@ primary children's hospital
  13. Buy a pet
  14. In one day come up with 200 short film ideas
  15. Meet 50 Strangers   
  16. Skydive
  17. Hang Glide
  18. Become friends w/ someone involved in hollywood
  19. Make a weblog with friends (scripted)
  20. Sew a jacket from scratch
  21. Sew a pair of jeans from scratch
  22. Invent something (orchestral gloves?)
  23. Read 1 news article a day
  24. make a scrapbook
  25. Photograph a model
  26. Film an explosion to be put into a film.
  27. Make a fly system
  28. Make a dolly
  29. Make a crane
  30. Sell an art piece
  31. Learn German
  32. Convince someone of something absolutely absurd. 
  33. Make a huge break-up scene in public
  34. Propose to a (random) girl in a public restaurant.
  35. Go into public dressed as a woman. 
  36. Pull off a spy mission
  37. Invent a board game
  38. Win a radio contest
  39. Be on a radio show
  40. Make a viral video (at least 1,000,000 views)
  41. Try stand-up comedy once.
  42. Write a pilot for a TV show.
  43. Replicate a full scene from a movie.
  44. Direct a music video for a real band.
  45. Submit a film to a festival.
  46. Make a zombie film w/ at least 50 people.
  47. Box in a real ring.
  48. Invent a dessert.
  49. Backflip off a pogo stick
  50. Film and edit a movie on 8mm film.
There you have it. If you were to ask me, although I don't suggest it, what I would want to have accomplished by the time school starts I would tell you these things. If you ask me what I would want to have accomplished just because I told you not to I will never speak to intelligibly again. Everything I say will be in my native tongue.                                

              Thanks for spending this time on Kyle's Wonderplace. Until next time, I'm kazoo Kyle wishing you a fantastic [insert time of day here].