Posted by Kyle Jacobson , Monday, April 25, 2011 7:05 AM

Let's begin this morning with a slight adventure with a sleight of hand, aka prestidigitation or to the less fortunate known as legerdemain. I wouldn't consider myself a magician, mainly because to consider oneself is overrated and undercool. However, I would say I share some of the underlying traits of a magician. For example, two weeks ago I was skipping rocks in an underground cave with a lake the color of the sky and a sky the color of a Montana. In one word, Shimmering. In two words, Really Shimmering. There was a small hat, compared to a life-size recreation of what should have been a new planet I was working on creating. In this hat was a tag that clearly stated: do not wash with silks, balsa wood, communists or any other delicate items. So... I did. And what happened next is almost indescribable. I just realized, since I said almost in the previous sentence, I must out of sheer duty to sentence structure and story continuation tell you what happened next. FRANKIE MUNEZ! Pardon my Cantonese. Here goes.
                  Have you ever seen a fish swallow itself whole? Me too. Now this question prefaces the following:  the cave began to tremble, and not the tax-free kind. The walls ached with the tense pressure similar to what snow dogs experience in the summer. The opening to the cave started spitting out rabbits with very unpleasant looks on their faces that said something along the lines of, "just when things started to look up." And that wasn't even the worst part. I recognize that in such situations one must curl into the fetal position and start counting how many fingers you have. "If you don't get passed eight, remember to count your thumbs," my early mother will say. I did not get into the fetalition (saves time) as I probably should have. The rabbits huddled in a corner like football players do before breaking both of your legs "accidentally" and I could smell their plotting scheming minds laboring profusely. Rabbits make me sick. To avoid being eaten alive by 212 monty python rabbits, I snuck out the convenient door set in the back of the cave. I am very glad the elements of nature had the foresight enough to erode a well crafted door for these types of situations.
                    And that my faithful, never failing readers, is why I am a quarter magician and three quarters speluncaphobic.
               If you're interested, this cave can be found at (r, θ), (r, θ+2π) according to the polar coordinate system.


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