This way has the same amount of letters in it as That way. Oh indecisions...

Posted by Kyle Jacobson , Thursday, May 19, 2011 6:12 PM

I ran into a bug, which was highly eerie since I am not the size of a bug nor is a bug the size of me. This one was different not only in size but in demeanor. I have always imagined that meeting a personified bug would have been similar to the moment you realize that a candy bar you are about to consume is four days past the expiration date. Which is in the "so close I might be able to get away with only minor indigestion" range. And you are conflicted between eating it and giving it to a nine year old. This bug hadn't inherited any of these characteristics from the chromosomes he had purchased a week earlier from a one horned gypsy with, as he will later describe, "eyes of half melted candlesticks and an odor that was nominated 'most likely to become banned from public' in high school or the pheromonal equivalent. Pheromonal makes me laugh. " End quotation mark.

Anyway, so this bug. He turned out to be a bouncer. Why I hadn't thought of a dung beetle guarding my dance heavy heavy dance club, I haven't a clue.

Children: Behind you! The clue!
Me: Did you say a clue?
Children: Yes, a clue it's behind you. Look!
Me: Is it over here?
Children: No, behind you!
Me: Where?
Children: You are a directionally challenged moron. This show sucks.

Me: Hey look a clue!

This clue pointed me toward the straight door of a crooked house. I thought it was a joke until I saw the horizontal mailbox and the upside down cocker spaniel looking at me with a very disoriented look. It was very similar to the look I receive when I wake up on the wrong side of gravity. Nauseous mornings. I was trying hard to think of why I was at this house, but the only thing on my mind were the faint last words of an acquaintance in Europe that just got hit by a mail truck.  "I can't think of a pun!!!!" I wonder if he ever thought of one...

So the cocker spaniel opened the door, or more disolved it if you catch my brain. And I entered inside. This story seems like it should have an end. Maybe later. I'm late for my checkers match with a blind guy. It's as easy as putting a baby in a blender. No that's way too dark... It's as easy as stacking hay pennies.

Children: Yaaaaaaaay. Pennies.
Me: HAY pennies! Not yay pennies....america's future is unfortunately ill.




If the sun were a cookie, it would be a snickerdoodle.

Posted by Kyle Jacobson , Monday, May 16, 2011 8:00 PM

             I had a literal meltdown the other day when unexpected company showed up at my door. It was the thirty-second last person/thing I would have guessed behind that door. It was the sun. With what little manners he was capable of having, the sun barged right into my living room. The smell of scorch filled the room. The room had little room to begin with and now it was grampy cramped.

        "Are you freaking kidding me?!1!!?" I said with 50% more than an inkling of spite under my voice, "I just cleaned up in here! Now my couch is on fire, I assume that small lump on the ground is my canary, and my turkey is now well over well done. And why in the heck are you wearing sunglasses when YOU ARE THE SUN!! And wipe that stupid grin off your face. And you brought a friend! How lovely. Oh that's a space shuttle? Did you get hungry on your descent from your lofty throne o mighty sun??? Have you ever heard of Elton John!? Apparently not. It's going to be longer than a long, long time for him! Now will you please exit my household and place your bulbous volume lightyears away from here so I don't have to look at your ugly face when I'm trying to watch America's Next Top Model on my newly charcoal print television set? And what's up with you trying to hook up with the moon huh? You think you can both be on the same side of the world at the same time?! Who ever made you the sun? Whoever it was really screwed up, a white dwarf could do a better job than you. Now go get your fat gas back into the solar system. And stop convincing children to look at you, it's creepy and damaging to their pupils. My favorite part of the day is when you set!"

      And that is how the sun became unconfident in his abilities to shine and lit the world on fire one forest fighting bear at a time.