I just found out that the Devil doesn't actually wear Prada. He wears GAP.

Posted by Kyle Jacobson , Wednesday, July 14, 2010 4:59 PM

There is no possible way to anticipate the moment when you speak with Satan. He is characterized as a dragon, a demon, a billionaire, a cocktail waitress, or even an oven mitt that does television endorsements for popular fast-food chains. All of these are officially wrong. I for one could have never guessed that Satan, the great Lucifer, Pluto, the Devil, just to make sure we are talking of the same fellow, the Father of All Lies, yeah, He has an Indian accent. Shocking, I know. Now don't get me wrong, or any of the other forms of such an ideology, not ALL Indian people are Satan or satanic in any way. That wouldn't make sense and I would be guilty for a number broken laws, 99% of those ending in my head being separated from my neck. A rather unpleasant feeling if I do say so. Saying that all people with indian accents are the infernal being himself is like saying that all actors are terrible actors, when in reality there are many different stages of acting, I have narrowed it down to five. Peer with me:

  1. The hardcore- almost all their latest movies have been blockbusters-most likely involves one or more Emmys.
  2. The softercore- had one hit movie and all the others would find themselves on pre-teens bedroom shelves along with semi-nude posters of werewolves without the wolf part. Leaving were. Also meaning has-been.
  3. The applecore- these penny and nickle actors, as no one calls them, are seen merely in independent films. Their dreams ringing high, hoping to make it big one day, while they get kicked in the face by some fat kid at the Cinema 6 trying to find theater number 7 as you pick up chewed something from the thing people stand on that used to resemble a floor. 
  4. Extras and people that act as a joke/extras.
  5. Rosie O' Donnells- There is only one person that fits in this category. When that one person dies, there will be none. The future list will save type space occupying only 4 bullet points. 

 I was sitting in my cubicle, which I have now named "Cubicle Jr.", when I received a call. Presented with a soothing "DONG" and "APPLE REBATES" in a voice seemingly recorded with the help of Spanish Fork county prison. "Hi, thank you for calling Apple, my name is XXXX (edited for privacy issues), can I get your name please?" "Hi, yes, my name is SATAN!!!!".
"Sorry sir? Can you repeat that?"
"Oh, why I would be glad to, it's SATAN!!!! That's S-a-t-a-n."
"Ok...and you're last name?"
"I don't have a last name, but you might sport for trying one of my alias', you know those secrademons and their habitual inconsistencies," he added.
"Alright....can I get those please?"
"Yes, you could try...let's see...you could try Adversary...or maybe.... Angel of the Bottomless pit? Yes, with two 'T's."
"I'm sorry, nothing seems to be coming up..." I said cautiously and pendiously.
Satan then muttered, "I shall reap the organs from your very inside and roast them well done and feed them to my Hell Hounds."
"I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that last part. And was that your order number or receipt number?"
"Come to Hell! I hate this stupid company! You should use Windows Vista!!! And just for my inconvenience I will personally see to it that you have several embarrassing moments this week!!!"
"One second...you are the Satan, right?"
"Yes, that is correct."
"And that is your threat? Embarrassing moments? I was expecting a bit more brimstone, maybe some eternal damnation?"
"I get that a lot. You see, it's all become quite a mess down here in the infernal underworld, since all we seem to receive are pimps and lawyers. Mostly British ones at that. However, the American ones impeached me from King of the undead, and the British set up parliament. I am quite limited on my powers as of late."
"I'm sorry to hear that. I completely understand."
"How could you possibly understand?"
"I actually can't, It just says that on my teleprompter."
"You use a teleprompter?"
"It says no."
"Oh ok," Satan retreated, "well, I hope you have a great day."
"Thank you," I responded,"I hope you have a nice time in Hell."
"Alright, we'll see ya."
"I hope not."

Que dial tone.


 The following is a picture of me when I first wake up and make it to the call center.

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