Monkeys: Interested. Playful. Excited. Frightened. Flying?

Posted by Kyle Jacobson , Monday, August 2, 2010 5:21 PM


          This weekend was filled with mindless wanderings and cautiously silly tangents. I was in the mountains. The real mountains, the ones filled with rocks and birds and dead deer carcasses! I couldn't help but imagine people running through the trees with a shocked and desperately frightened men and women being chased by large, and preferably smelly beasts. Once that fantasy was exhausted, I trailed onto the theoretical mishaps of the Wizard of Oz. If I had directed the W o O, it would have included a lot more "ermph" and quite a bit more "yelch." And to top it all of, I would be morally forced to include a large beach ball bouncing around in a rock concert. Then a flashback, in a factory. In this factory is where that beach ball was created, I would then follow around Billie the Beach Ball's life with many dramatic camera angles and unnecessary cut-aways. And the flying monkeys would zoom into the picture, very ostentatiously, and scream absurd things that only rare species of apes could comprehend. What we don't know, is that we're the lucky ones. Flying monkeys only seem to talk about being audited all the time and how treacherous it makes their dating life. That, in fact, was the real reason Kurt Cobain killed himself. Flying monkeys. 

         There would then be an extremely descriptive intermission montage with clips from thousands of the worlds most popular infomercials and low-budget endorsement ads by B movie actors. And to top off the fun, Dorothy would break down with post-traumatic stress syndrome right before they get to the wizard, leaving only the lion and the tin-man. (The scarecrow was burned to death at the stake much earlier. At least he had absolutely no feeling whatsoever since he was made of dead plant remains.) The lion would get cold feet and flash into an intense argument with the Tin Man, forcing by escalated circumstances to pull out their light sabers and fight to the death. The lion would attack with the first strike, slicing open the stomach of poor old Tinny. Nothing came out of the large gash in his abdomen, probably because he was made of tin. They both stared in amazement and shock. This carried on for several hours mixed in with small snack breaks for juicy-juice and massage chairs. They would then get right back into gawking and awing. It sounded a little like:
"Gawk?"
"Gawk."
"Gawk."
"Awe..."
"Awe?"
"Gawk."
"Awe. Awe."
*Slurp* *Bvvvrrrrrrr....dmph.dmph.vrrrrrrrr.* *Slurp*
"Gawkawe!"
"Awe!!!"
They then looked around and realized the seven camera crews from Lolliguild News at 9, NLG at 4, and several others from various other controversial "green party" sponsored news stations.
It would then end in a truce by both parties, Of lice and Tin, and the unveiling of the wizard to be Elvis' great grand cousin "Fish" who seemed to be simultaneously utterly lost and in the process of trying to lick his elbow. They became highly disappointed and began a spin-off game of "Hot Potato", they called it "Hot nuclear warhead." And that is how I would direct the Wizard of Oz if I was ever presented the opportunity. Coming soon to indie film venues near you.
                                   
                            Utterly,
                                             Kyle


1 Response to "Monkeys: Interested. Playful. Excited. Frightened. Flying?"

Kevin Says:

"[W]ho seemed to be simultaneously utterly lost and in the process of trying to lick his elbow."


Classic.

August 20, 2010 at 1:13 AM

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