Tragically Fine

It was evening time. Or as people on the west side of the bend say, Ning’s eve. However, this concept confuses me. If Ning’s eve is every day, when do we ever get to celebrate Ning? I want some chocolate shephards pie. And I would prefer some choco-right-on-time if you ask me. Nobody wants late choco. Anyway, there was this premier thingy that I decided to attend. But instead I anined it. (see if you get that one.) We walked down the curb and found a free limo and decided to drive it to the premier. It was slightly annoying with the four legged man running behind us hitting the car and yelling “stop!” What crawled into his cheerios and died this morning? He did have a very linear mustache that made me want to play hours of Sudoku while listening to backwards albums of the Olson twins. We were living the high altitude lifestyle in this moment. A couple of blocks later we stepped out onto a red carpet with the insignia of the bachelor on it. This made me question whether or not I was on the right red carpet, or if I had accidentally gotten onto the left one. So I was either getting put into the running with a bunch of women fighting over a man, or I was going to watch some short films. (Idea for new reality t.v. show- The bi-chelor, the competition of love, where gender isn’t a factor.)

I was on the latter of the two previously listed carpets. Who would seriously want a car as a pet anyway? Try snuggling up to will and grace with a car sitting on your lap, then tell me who’s mildly right! Walking into the event center, I felt as though my style would catch on fire. It was pretentiously exhilarating to be at a black or other color tie event. Which is the exact moment that Mr. and Mrs. Wayne stopped me, we talked about their wonderful son Bruce and his fear of various corynorhinus townsendii and, more recently, smog. They then asked me to take a photo with their state-of-the-art (a.k.a. Iowa) camera phone. A camera mixed with a phone. Who wants a camera that can call people, seriously. That was rhetorical as I could see the practical application in various second world societies and fourth world Atlantean settlements. And I’m ALL for sea people. Which is greater than or equal to or less than 103%. (103% is the same amount as putting three more M & Ms into a jar that only holds 100 M & Ms for all you visual learners out there). 

How could I possibly enjoy this night more? I’ll give you a hint, it involves an armless pianist, Ingrid Michaelson’s second youngest twin sister and a guitar that makes tears cry people.

Needless to say, the night ended with my sudden involvement in Lady Gaga karaoke and a bruise on the side of my rib cage that can only be explained by one thing: Peanuts. I couldn’t resist, there may have been an elephant, and my middle name is not Franklin.

Thank you and good night,

                       Rembrantly,

                                                Kyle