James Tronk: Fist of the Ape (part II)

Posted by Kyle Jacobson , Saturday, August 7, 2010 4:14 PM

To read part one, click here.


Hi. I am still tied to this tree by the way, it has been a few days. It's Okay though, they are even thoughtful enough to help us with our dieting. I mean, back home, I would eat up to three meals a day! Here, they may give us one every few days. I can't believe that I've already lost sixty-seven pounds. This diet is working great!
Now, to continue this story of the epoch, I am going to ask you to buckle up (if you are in a car, driving and reading this blog post, please pull over immediately and begin to pay attention. While reading a story, the plot is vital, and if you are constantly being honked at or rudely interrupted by many near-misses to horrible oncoming car crashes, how do you expect to understand the storyline?)
Now, where were we...Ah yes, Isaac and I were driving along what some Swiss call the "autoroute" and what all the other Swiss people call the "highway." He blared his speakers so loud until the speakers became upset and  began complaining in high nasally speaker-like voices to "keep down all the ruckus." So we rode in silence. We also stopped in silence, walked in silence, bought soda at gas stations in silence, shaved our backs in silence, talked about how much silence there was, and then contemplated our talk about silence in silence. When we arrived at the base of Sample Mountain, we could clearly believe what we were seeing. Mushrooms. Lots and lots of mushrooms. Did I mention that I hate observing mushrooms? I hate observing mushrooms.
"Let's get started, eh?" stated/questioned Isaac.
"Yeah."
I slapped on my tightly fitting mesh latex gloves. Another thing in which the government failed to increase our budget, non-mesh latex gloves. I could only hope these weren't poisonous to the touch. I carefully reached down to pick up our first sample mushroom. What I pulled out was more than a mushroom. The thing I just pulled out was at least six inches taller than what appeared on the surface. I saw two eyes the size of 1993 Denver mint pennies. They stared at me in a state of absolute confusion and uncertainty. I wondered if it has ever seen the outside world before. As I continued to pull I saw what might be labeled as arms. They were stubby and kept close to the torso. They had no fingers and no thumbs, more like two long roots coming from just below the head, if a head is what you would call the bulbous appendage quietly staring at me. I continued to pull this fascinating creature from the earth. It slid out quite easily. I continued pulling until the entire thing had emerged from the soil. He, or she, or it had two stumps for legs as well. Could this creature move? Could it travel from place to place? What a strange find.
"Isaac! Come check this out!" I shouted.
No response.
I turned around and saw Isaac curled up behind a rock with a small bottle of mace, kissing his crucifix that he held around his neck almost always 76% of the time. He was the senior ecologist in this partnership and was hiding behind a rock. Just great. I better get some sort of promotion for handling this case myself under the supervision of a thirty five year old heap of bawling flesh. He was crying on the phone with his mother, "Momsy, I am about to die, I am sorry that I never did learn how to sew like I promised. I feel as though the failure of my life must come down with me to the grave. I luff you Momsy, luff, luff you........luff......"
Isaac had gone to a more familiar world.
      The creature had no nose, no type of auditory sensor. Just a small hole that I concluded was the mouth and the two eyes that gave me the shivers. I hate the shivers, no idea why he I was given them so I politely handed them back. I had no idea what to do with the strange speciman, so I stabbed holes in my containment pouch and began to place the creature inside. The next thing that happened was so unexpected and caused both Isaac, myself and most of the Netherlands to jump in alarm. The small creature let out a scream that would turn a group of CEOs into a pile of crying women led to eat their shoes, only because they would know not what else to do.
I clasped my hands over my ears, mostly to keep my brain from sliding out of them. I did find out that the creature could run, and fast. Its little legs picked up speed as it sprinted across the mushroom field, shrieking its eye bulging screech. This apparently alarmed all the other mushroom-looking creatures. The spontaneously burst from the
ground and added to the horrific noise. The worst part was that they all deliberately had a different pitch while screeching. I discovered something about the human mind that day, it can only process up to a certain decibel of noise before shutting down and requesting a reboot.  The request took a few days to process and get approved, and once that pending process finished, I awoke strapped to a tree with no sign of Isaac Apple anywhere. So I guess this wasn't all bad news... I still don't like final ratio of bad to good news.
What is that awful smell. It smells like burning something. Like, burning....John? No, no....burning Jackson? Not that one either.....It's a slighter smell, like a James.....hey, that's my name. That's MY name! Ahhhhh! I'm on fire, on fire!!! If I only learned one thing from my alcoholic father it was this: I am able, in tight situations, to shoot various types of liquid from my eye. It was best to use milk, but I did not have any in this moment. All I had was my own saliva, one of the most painful things to shoot through your eye. I contemplated it for a bit, up until the pain of my burning flesh surpassed that of the ptential pain of saliva through the eye. I muscled my face to the left as best I could. My head was strapped to the tree, making this extremely difficult. Through a LOT of motivation and desperation I was able to force my head to the left and shoot out the saliva into the small fire on my shoulder. The fire stopped burning my shoulder and seemed to move to my eyes.
"AHHHHH!!! OW OW OW OW OW." I cried and cried and again cried and then finally cried myself to sleep. And now, I am strapped to this tree. I would most likely forget this weeks events in a matter of days. I have a really shotty memory. Now, since I am the protagonist in this story and I most likely won't die, I could either sit here and do nothing until something does happen and I escape, or I could try to escape by myself and fulfill my destiny as the hero/protagonist.

See what James decides to do in part III of this sumptuous saturday story that is short.
                                  Acceptingly,
                                                     Kyle

3 Response to "James Tronk: Fist of the Ape (part II)"

by Cristy Hill Says:

Saliva through the eye? ouch. I love the pic of the guy holding his ears. I think he should escape and become king of the mushrooms and finally accept and love them.

Kyle "Danger" Jacobson Says:

Hey Cristy, that's not a bad idea, thanks for the comments! James actually tried to become king of the mushrooms, but they became eminently offended by the very idea. They recently have gained position as an autonomous, democratic nation and would not stand for some "schmuck" to come in, claim himself king, and take that away like he was head of child services.

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