The Party Animals: Almost Literally.

Posted by Kyle Jacobson , Monday, August 30, 2010 7:43 PM

My bicycle decided to tell me, halfway up the mountain, that it had been a chain smoker it's whole life. It coughed and choked up the hill. Grease spittle going in all directions. We made it to the top of the hill. Once we did my phone rang with the good vibrations. I'm not entirely unconvinced that they knew about vibration patterns of cell phones long before cell phones came out; It was a good vibration. The sun, like every day of my life, was setting. I answered the phone and heard a bear on the other line. I'm not one to jump to conclusions, but I felt that the language barrier was going to end in some miscommunication. It did. He was talking about some sort of fish he caught in the mountains, while all I wanted to know was how to get to the party. Bears throw great parties, by the way. If you ever do get invited to a party by a bear, take him up on the offer, even when the game of the night is murder in the dark.  I promise, always go. Unless, they are having tacos for dinner, then stay far, far away.
         I reached the house just before the party was about to begin. A small dog greeting me at the door, followed by the large bear in my previous conversation. The next thing that happened can only be explained by the following equation: Bear + Dog - Dog = Bear + Indigestion.
        The house was draped in beautiful things and the door was shut behind me. The bear was a great host. Especially once all the other animals started to show up. First entered another bear, greater and larger than the first. Followed by a small cub, trying to prove his independence from the older and stronger bears. Then came the beautiful lioness entrancing those that watched. The zebra trampled in later. Followed by the sloth who just had to have brought tacos. That never ended well in a party full of rare beasts of far off lands. Ending the parade was the stork couple carrying around their baby in a small white cloth. This group setting would provide much to talk about in the future.
        The games started out wonderfully. We smurfed and we smurfed, until there was waaaay too much smurfing going on and three people were forced to leave, on stretchers, in an ambulance. Then we were all up for a rousing game of murder in the dark. If you are unfamiliar with this game: two people are randomly assigned to be murderers, just like real life. Then you turn off all of the lights and let the murderers run amok and kill people in the dark, also like real life. Only once someone screams and informatively states, "I'm dead," can the lights be turned on again. Then we make guesses as to who is running around killing all our friends. But, here's the catch, if you make a false accusation you die instead.
        I took many things out from playing this game:
  1. Don't catch myself running around in a dark basement with a serial killer.
  2. Hide behind the couch if I am in the situation described in #1. Most times someone will die before they can find me.
  3. We need to make the legal system just like how it is in the game. If I accuse someone of being a murderer and they tell me that they aren't a murderer, I die instantly. 
     Before the end of the night, several crazy things had occurred. Four more people managed to be hospitalized which adds to a total of seven. However, we had no clue who six of them were; so it was okay. The sloth tried to make a move on me, but was heart-breakingly too slow, like sloths most usually are, not to be a speciesist. Someone had peed in the heating vent and the place reeked for a couple of weeks. And to top it all off, we got invited next week for another party. I hope they bring hamburgers this time, instead of tacos.
                                    Criminally,
                                                      Kyle 
                                   

4 Response to "The Party Animals: Almost Literally."

by Cristy Hill Says:

Absolutely hilarious! By the way, that's the first time I've ever understood a math equation (bear+dog-dog=bear), so not only do I feel happy after reading that for laughing so much, but I feel smarter.

Kevin Says:

Where on earth do you find these pictures?

P.S. Awesome post.

Anonymous Says:

Kyle, I have to say that was pretty entertaining. I could totally picture you saying all that to me, and now I somewhat know what you, Kyle, and Gary are always talking about at work. However, you spelled fore wrong. It should have been for. :)

Kyle "Danger" Jacobson Says:

Hey thanks you guys! And Kevin, it's all from google images. Its a surprising database of pointless pictures and graphs; sometimes pictographs as well.

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