Amish people make terrible landlords.

Posted by Kyle Jacobson , Wednesday, September 8, 2010 11:08 PM

         It was a lot of preparation mixed with just the perfect amount of preparation H.  I logged on to what most people refer to as a computer. Everyone who doesn't is either Amish or died in the sixties.
         Evidently, I was buying a computer while on a computer, so compute that! 
         Let's imagine for just one tangental second some tactics that we might use to try and buy a computer without a computer. 

One idea quickly jumps into my mind: roadside advertising! Now we must contemplate the proper procedure in letting people know that you are looking for a computer without making yourself look desperate or like you're fixing to eat someone's liver. That doesn't sit well, far too many digestive issues with eating human livers. Just imagine how your liver would feel. Jealous?
For this first experiment, you, no matter what, need a cardboard panel in which you can make hard to read sentences, with excruciatingly bad grammar. For example: "Me for study on college, N.E. one half computer 4 Me?" 
            Don't write my example word for word; I know you have it in you to branch out and reach new heights in pursuit of the perfectly unconventional advertising method. 

The second idea I can quickly whip out would be word of mouth. Which makes me compulsively write a short list of "word of..." possibilities. "Word of mouth, word of writing, word of smell, word of legal jargon, word of non-importance, word of foreign mouth? Order now with a credit card and I'll throw a second set of "word of....s" absolutely free. 

            Word of mouth might become useful, but it really limits your purchasing options. Especially if you're a deaf/mute leper. Then word of mouth becomes impossible. I think they call that word of sometimes-literal-hand-movements. And how long could a leper use sign language? Can it be done with just four fingers?

Those are just a couple of prime examples. 

I finally found the perfect computer. It sang songs full of 1s and 0s until my heart turned into 128 bit color and lit up like a backlit LED screen. The aesthetically entrancing keyboard and eerily symmetrical trackpad found its home in my dreams. I had to have it. I must call Bradley!

"Bradley! I have to have it!"
"Who is this? And how did you get my number?"
"Uhhhhh...what's that over there?"
"You do realize this is a phone conversation right? I have no idea what you're pointing at?"
"AHHH! How did you know I was pointing at something?"
"Who are you, and what do you want?" Bradley's voice rang with a tone that I couldn't quite pick out. Something between mild contempt and prison-tude.
"Me want computer." 
"Right, so just come to alleyway number seven."
"Okay, and where's that?"
"Right next to the abandoned railway tunnel and the uncertified drug and needle store."
"Sweet. So what time?" At this point a normal person would have second thoughts, but that google image of the computer he put on was really cool!
"Say...two a.m.?"
"Sounds great!"
"I'll be wearing a black metaldeath hoodie listening to headphones so loud you'll be able to hear it from main street." Bradley said.

***Two A.M.***
I brought along a lioness to protect me from potential harm. It was her idea, i felt as though I could handle myself in such a situation. She disagrees.
The lamp posts were trying to say, "what are you, stupid?", but their voices are so whiney that I never listen to lamp posts. We walked into the alley when I began to ponder. "If it's so dark in an alley that you can't see the alley, is it still an alley?" The answer is yes.
We marched up and knocked loudly on the door, that was very peculiarly placed next to a dumpster full of dead bodies. The lioness began feasting while I stood at the door, now alone. 

"Passcode?" came a voice that sounded like what my siamese twin sounds like with a voice scrambler.
"Can I get a hint?"
"You're in a dark alleyway, no hints."
Seemed reasonable, "Okay... I'm just going to take a shot in the dark here..."
"Correct. You may enter."
The lioness and I shook our heads in amazement. 
We should have also taken this moment to realize that it was a stupid idea to enter.
But, all in all, I got out alive and now I have a new macbook. She serves me well and loves me just as much as I love her, except she doesn't kiss back...


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