1UP! Pizza!

Posted by Kyle Jacobson , Wednesday, October 20, 2010 11:46 AM

Frankly I was nervous. The door opened with the momentum of my hand and the men stared at me. My eyes began to size-up my future coworkers. One was large, one was medium sized, one was constantly oscillating in size. I wasn't sure what that meant or how it could happen. Or maybe it was just mine own eyes playing tricks on me. The large man stared at me. I could only guess that his brain had spontaneously imploded and all that was left were the basic motor skills to make a pizza. He clearly had nothing upstairs, in the attic, and plainly nothing in the guest bedroom. His anatomical house could be described as abandoned.

I began counting my options at this moment, I ended on three. Which is strangely the maximum number that these men could count to. The blank stares were passed around like bottles of beer on the wall. The third man decided to take this opportunity to drink the metaphorical beers and get metaphorically drunk. We didn't get too worried until he began to metaphorically take his shirt off. Once we got him some metaphorical coffee, he calmed down.

"I guess we'll begin your training now."

"Alright" I responded.

The second man returned to his pizzas and got lost in his own little sauced up world.

"Now sit in this chair and watch two hours of still frame animation showing you the pizza making process. Each frame should be no more than thirty five seconds a piece. If it ever takes longer than that, just call it some impolite names and hit it with this large brick."

"Does that ever work?"

"No one has ever tried it, they usually hit themselves with the brick first."

"Haha, worker's comp then, eh?"

"Don't you ever, ever say that again! You hear me?"

My body shrunk down into the chair and gave my brain authorization to ponder what that could have possibly alluded to besides the direct meaning of worker's compensation."

The first man stormed out of the room and I was left alone with my still frame animation, that I preferred to label as simply 'still frame'. Watching two hours of pizza can slowly bring the viewer to do strange acts. Mine involved a brick, a few broken teeth, and an almost satisfied hunger.

                           And that, was my first day at Papa Johns.

2 Response to "1UP! Pizza!"

by Cristy Hill Says:

bet you'll never eat pizza again after seeing so much of it...

Kyle Danger Jacobson Says:

If only my eyes had mouths Cristy, not only would I be able to eat what I see, but I could sing three part harmonies of Swing Low, Sweet Chariot.

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