I'll Take a Roll of Stamps. Yes, With Butter.

Posted by Kyle Jacobson , Monday, October 18, 2010 9:24 PM


"There was no answer." Said a voice, a very manly voice.

"Who said that?"

"Still no answer." Said the voice a second time.

"Dang it! It's that stupid narrator again! Gets me every time!"

The narrator felt bad for interrupting the story and decided, at this point, to come back later and edit in his voice overs after the conclusion of the story. The narrator then went off to do whatever it is that narrators do when they're not narrating.

I searched inside the post office for any signs of life, all I could find were some half eaten tacos, a phone that was on hold, and a small sign that said "ring the bell for attendant." I searched for the better half of twenty minutes, being the second half. Nothing clued me in whether anyone was operating the store. I eventually became frustrated with looking and analyzing, and decided to flip over chairs until a better idea came to mind.

"Hey what are you doing?!"

"Oh my! I'm so sorry, I didn't know chairs had any opinions on being flipped over! I didn't even know they had a sense of location at all!"

"I'm over here. And I'm most definitely not a chair."

A poem: the only way to describe the lady inside.

The attendant's eyes tripled in size, and her face was deep in surprise.
A casual glance, gave shivers like ants, until I noticed her nose.
It was humongous, and a little bit spongeous, and gravity was not on her side.
I thought I could look past it, until it started to grow.
I'm grateful when she took my sendvelope and charged me $3.75.

"So.....how long will that take?" I asked as though my house was on fire and I could only take one thing with me.

"The package?"


"Well, that depends. Where did you order it?"

"... I just gave it to you?"

"Oh, this one? You should really be more specific."

"Can I buy a few stamps too?"

"Sure, which kinds?" She almost politely asked.

Be specific. Be specific. "You see. I'm getting them for my girlfriend. So, I want one that says, 'I love you', without saying 'I hope you die in a grease fire so I can finally give a eulogy.' I want it to have a deeper meaning than 'kiss me, I'm a stamp collector' and an undertone of 'baby, you're worth more than a 'forever' stamp.'' I want it to take her breath away and then replace it before she gets an asthma attack. I want that kind of stamp."

"Alright. I have exactly what you need. Two sets of commemorative stamps from our 1981 collection with an inverted dual-color print illustrating what Scottie Pippin would look like as head coach for a 19th century international cricket tournament."


"That will be 23 gold doubloons, sir."



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