Two Weeks is Much Better than Too Weaks.

Posted by Kyle Jacobson , Wednesday, October 6, 2010 11:42 PM

My heart raced around my chest; attempting, and succeeding, to break his previous record. My heart had a grim smile reaching from artery to artery. He knew exactly what was going on and exactly what to do in order to make my stomach hurt and my face look squeamish. I wondered if I really wanted to go through with this. "Stick it out" my conscience said. I almost took its advice, but my conscience turned out to just be an elderly gymnastics coach and was trying to teach me a vault technique, and I didn't feel that this was the right time for that. I ignored him. He ignored me back. That bugged me.

        I walked the walk. I talked the talk. That didn't seem to work. I did the only thing I knew to do in that moment: I walked the talk and I talked the walk. All who were in the proximity to see such a marvelous gesture stared. Some didn't last long; their brains imploded. If you stare at awesome for longer than the amount of awesome that you have inside of you, your brain will implode. Your brain cannot process any more awesome than you possess. It's an almost proven fact.

       She hunched over her keyboard, soaking the pixels into her ginger laden head. Peering over numbers, computing this and calculating that. That, by the way, is very hard to calculate. And this, is very hard to compute. Which might explain the beads of sweat leaking out of her pores.
       "Fliggn Tragtipt Lichetensetied!!!" She screamed.
       "Hey Jan?"
       "Oh, Hey Kyle! How is you today?"
       "I'm sorry Jan, you used the wrong tense in your sentence..."
       After that I could only make out mutterings of ancient pagan death threats towards me. I had recently taken a poll on how she was going to kill me and get rid of my remains for putting in my two weeks.

45% said she would begin by switching around my organs. Then light my head on fire. And then slowly push me through a garlic press.

32% said she would pull out all of my individual hairs, weave them into a noose, and then lynch me.

21% said she would cry herself to sleep and then use those tears for my drowning.

2% were impartial to the subject and subsequently voted Ralph Nader for president in an unofficial census that would later be used to swat flies in an uncomfortable office building that was situated between the white house and the off-white house.

       "Jan, I am putting in my two weeks."
       "Wha??? I....I...'m don't know what to say."
       "Are you a robot Jan?"
       "No. $#%%^#"
       "How did you just speak in symbols?"
       "Are you serious about quitting?"
       "One second"...text text text...*bing*..."Yes I am."
       "But why?"
       I was really unlooking forward to telling her why I was quitting. First of all, it involves me hating my job. Lastly, this job that I hate is also slowly dragging me to the summer cabin of the Grim Reaper and his extra grim family. By this time, a small amount of steam could be seen coming from Jan's ears.
        "Well...," I tried to speak as I stumbled on the words in front of me. I stubbed my pinky toe on some of the vowels. Stupid words.
        "I found a different job." I finally said.
       "Is it at the Apple rebate center?"
       "No Jan. That's where I'm working now. That's actually why we're having this conversation. I'm quitting here."
        "Right. But why?"
        "I thought we just went through this."
        "Yeah. I'm just hoping the more I ask you, the more you'll change your mind."

        Jan then tried to convince me that I wasn't really Kyle and that the real Kyle would not be very happy once he found out that I was impersonating him and quitting the best job in the world. I found her argument persuasive and I went to go find myself. I finally did find myself, living in a cabin in the woods. After much debate, he gave me permission to quit. I seemed to be pretty upset with myself over the matter.

        So, I only have a limited time to spend in the A.R.C. (Apple rebate center). Jan said since the acronym of the Apple rebate center is ARC. I can only quit after forty days and forty nights. I showed her where to stick it! That being on the bulletin board in the break room.


1 Response to "Two Weeks is Much Better than Too Weaks."

Merrills Says:

I don't know how you turn something like quitting a job into a hilarious story but you do it. You're great! My kids like the pictures too, well, sometimes they are afraid.

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