Doctors, Proctors, and Digestion Blockers.
Posted by Kyle Jacobson , Wednesday, September 15, 2010 11:26 PM
I shall begin this week's EDventure with a quiet part of my life.
Besides what lies obvious, I have problems with my brain. It belongs to an underground cult. My brain joins his "colleagues" (as he calls them, attempting to sound smarter than me) causing political strain on every almost-important thing, like the environment and mutant fetuses. He also constantly discusses ways to get back at me when he should be busy remembering things like when my birthday is, how many times I need to breathe per minute, and where I left my stinking umbrella.
For these reasons I have been seeing doctors. Doctors that tend to get frustrated with me when my brain decides it would be really funny to shut off all the nerves in my face.
"So, Kyle, you were saying something about how you tend to fall asleep at the wheel. That seems dangerous....mumble...mumble...mumble....."
My face dragged downwards, and I involuntarily gave the doctor such a blank, blank stare that he had to leave the room quickly and change his scrubs. The only clean scrubs he could find were color-inverted hello kitty scrubs that only reached slightly past the knee. He began the appointment by instructing me to take my shirt off.
"When I come back in, you better have your shirt off! Put this plus-sized gown over your body and then count all of the Chinese dynasties since 'the five emperors' by the time I open this door again."
"Doubleyou tea eff?"
*** *** ***
He finally did re-return, once again, to my diagnosis.
"Kyle, I have come to the conclusion that you might have a physical problem, medically speaking of course." The doctor said this as he stared meticulously at the life-sized painting of himself.
"Alright....So...." I said, trying to get him to say something.
"Yes." He said.
"...."
"Oh really?" Now the doctor was beginning to understand.
"...."
"Right, well, we don't exactly know what the problem is. In order to come to such a preposterous conclusion, we must watch you while you sleep. And yes, in the creepy way."
It didn't bug me that he wants to watch me while I sleep so much as the fact that he presumed that I didn't know he was going be creepy about it. That bugged me. Of course I knew. Something about this doctor gave me the shivers. It might be caused by his undeniable characteristic that he was born with his nose physically 180 degrees upside down. When he gets bloody noses, it overflows like a central park fountain. When it rains, he gets water up/down his nose. And when he tries to kiss someone, it really gets in the way.
"I want you to come back Kyle, in about three weeks."
"Okay. Will I be fixed then?"
"Oh, no no no. Two weeks after we plug you in to fancy monitors, we will meet again to review your results. Oh wait, no. I'm sorry. I'm headed to Norway for a pointless doctor conference after your sleep study. So four months after your sleep study, we'll review it, but mostly just hope that it works itself out by then. Also, no driving. Be in bed by ten. And STOP pantsing the other doctors in this office. They find it embarrassing."
"Anything else?" I asked with no idea of what he just said. I had lost him at "Oh."
"Yes. I called the police and they impounded your bike."
"WHAT!? WHY?!"
"Because you look like a kid who respects a good prank."
My next step is to return to the doctor in three weeks and have them monitor me with fancy machines that can not only monitor my sleep patterns, but also charge me thousands of dollars.
Interconnectedly,
Kyle
Loved it :)