Tragically Fine

Evolution of the first sea worm.

Posted by Kyle Jacobson , Monday, May 31, 2010 12:28 PM

As I rode in the car my mind casually wandered off into the corners of my apparently square brain. I felt two consecutive bumps at the same time I hearing two slightly faint shrieks. I didn't come out of my head to see what it was. I was on a journey. After completely analyzing the fall of the Berlin wall, we made it to the building. I carefully stepped out of the car. Just in case the ground wasn't actually ground and it was a trap. It was fine. I walked as cinnamon toast crunch fell out of my teeth. We were getting closer. My skin was already starting to crack. Had it really been that long? I pulled on the handle of the building and my forefinger broke off, turning into dust. We had to get going. I started to run. I leaped over the gate to the back of the building. The radical hair-changing receptionist had a 7500 military-grade taser rifle. They say that when crazy intense stuff happens it seems to go in slow motion. It's a lie, just like when your mom said your rabid ferret went to a field full of dandelions where he could eat all of the baby rabbits he wanted. Your mom then felt bad that you didn't have your ferret, so that Christmas she gave you some brand new "not-ferret" slippers. I eventually got up from the floor. Slightly to moderately embarrassed and skin so dry it could be used as a cutting board. She also made me pay two dollars to get in. I found my way to the water. Getting in was similar to licking a broken light bulb. Odd, slightly painful, but refreshing. I absorbed the water as my skin finally got re-hydrated. When Ursula, the underwater sea-witch, granted me legs (she only charged me my voice, sucker, I'm a terrible singer.) I turned down the sea-kelp moisturizer ,due to the increasing rate of guppy-labor. Also Ursula, or Yvonne, smells like rotting cheese-nips. I tried everything to keep moisturized, pantene pro-v, herbal essences, tar. Nothing seemed to work. This water felt nice. I then met a mermaid. Her only dream was to become a part-time bull rider. The only problem was that she didn't have insurance, or legs. So I gave her mine. I should have thought a bit before tearing them off. (Note: if you want to ask a girl on a date, don't rip your legs off in front of her. Not attractive.) I should have also maybe purchased some arms from Yvonne but she wanted my collection of oppulent outfits and furs...yeah right. Thus, I invented a hip dance move called the "slimy-earth-crawling-creature-that-are-frequently-seen-after-a-rainstorm," move.