Nearly fail-proof.

Posted by Kyle Jacobson , Tuesday, May 25, 2010 9:22 AM

p.s. (pre-script) Anyone that doesn't know, when there is an asterisk *, that word or phrase that it's connected to  relates to the * at the bottom of the page.

      When you see a building burning to the ground, do you watch it as it crumbles? Or do you run in and try to save whoever and whatever you can? There is a very small window in which you choose. One step determines your immediate future. Does your momentum take you forward or back? That decision could be one of the hardest decisions you make in your life. It's almost as hard as choosing to buy an Engelbert Humperdinck CD or Jackson 5 "Greatest Hits".


If you do end up going into the fire, make sure you come out with something or it's best just to not come back at all. Coming out empty handed would be like finding yourself coming back from getting some snacks from the guy at the snack counter who looks like he rubs popcorn on his face. You're waiting for the premier of "Bible stories on ICE," to start with your super gorgeous date that you tricked into coming with you by becoming business partners with her dad in the new "virtual reality Dungeons and Dragons: Infernal Skrythenfar2* " . You smudge through several couples, a blind guy, his seeing eye dog, and your parents to sit down with with your date,to find that she is sitting with another guy three rows back. You hear her cute hysterically blond plaugh (knock-off version of a laugh, the synthetic kind). In this case you figure it's better to escape your problems and join, "The Homestead International for Social Suffering Underclassmen Commonly Kicked out of Stuff", more commonly known as T.H.I.S.S.U.C.K.S.(It's a working title.) So, don't come out of a burning building without anything at all. That is a terrible, terrible mistake.
 Since the likelyhood of that situation actually happening is about as probable as your cheese nips actually coming to you as you hold your hand stretched out with your fingers flexed, hoping with all your might, in that very moment, that the force was real.
 You know you have all tried that at least once.
All I'm trying to say is you most likely won't be thrown into a decision like running into a burning building. However, just in case, when I become a boss one day, I am going to have all people applying for a job at my company be required to take the "worst case senario" exam. If they get above a 50%, I will cut their company life insurance policy. I will feel at least 50% confident that they won't have a need for it, shall the event arise. I will include some example questions just in case you too would like to save money on insurance policies and take an overly expensive, kodak moment vacation on your companies expense.
                           World Case Senario Exam

                    "Let's begin. THERE IS ONLY ONE RIGHT ANSWER!!! You have thirty seconds to complete each question. Emergencies don't give you much time either Jared!!! And Carl, No, you cannot write with jane's EpiPen. Just start."
        1. If you were trapped under a heavy object and there was a rabid werewolf in a 1930's prison jumpsuit in the building, would you...

                A. Take a picture with your camera phone.
                B. Take some time to make an epic monologue about how everyone should save themselves and how great your life has been and who you love, as the werewolf licks his chops just after finishing off your right thigh.
                C. Grab the silver bullets you keep in your left sock and the pistol in your right and fight for your life.
                D. Cry while trying to convince the werewolf that your current age exempts you from dying.
                E. Update your status on facebook to say, "I wuz totaly eated by a werewolf." Then in your last moments alive, finding out that thirteen people "liked" your new status.

        2. What sick trick would you pull while jumping from a building over a six-hundred-fifty-two meter drop into a "you shouldn't go in here after 3 pm" alley to another slightly de-elevated building?

       1. An impossible
       2. A method grab
       3. A Casper
       4. "The Jimmy Stewart"
       5. Death or severe injury (a sure crowd pleaser)
       6. Try and say the entire alphabet backwards and upside down while airborne.


3. If you are parachuting and goose-hunting shotgun bullets hit holes into your chute. Do you...

                           A. Since you always carry duct tape around, you fix it up real good and make a tri-fold wallet while you're at it.
                           B. Finally figure out how to play two nose flutes simutaneously.
                           C. Yell for help. Hahahaha
                           D. Rope together some nearby seagulls with your abnormally large insect buddies (clearly showing that your parents didn't teach you how to pick friends) and land in a strange nest which in the end turns out to be somebody's hair.
                           E. All of the above.
                           F. None of the above.
                           G. One of the above.
                           H. B
                           I.  D
                           J. Sandwich
            These are just some of the many real-life scenario questions that let me know if my future employees are going to need insurance. Also if they are going to talk to HR when I do my way-too-well-thought-out halloween pranks. My plan is nearly fail-proof.

   *This isn't real. I'm sorry. I cried when I found out it wasn't real too. You're not alone. Well, yeah you are.

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