Oh my gosh! Look at all this HAIR!!!

Posted by Kyle Jacobson , Friday, May 21, 2010 10:16 AM


    Yesterday I had the opportunity to support my sister in the Taylor Andrews hair show. With her sweet purple rimmed glasses, she definately fit in with the other hair designers. My sister has cool hair, so she's fine. However, many times I have asked myself while getting my hair cut, "why does the girl cutting my hair have a mutant ferret attached to her scalp. After careful anilization of the ferret, it turns out to be her actual hair. A
wave of fear washes over me. Worse than when I found out that guy who came through our window every Christmas eve taking our electronics wasn't actually santa and that santa wasn't even real. 
        Hair show. 

        We had the lovely honor of sitting next to a man. This man was drinking thirst quenching foamy apple juice that smelled oddly like yeast. When that lovely aroma was mixed with his three week old body odor, love was in the air. I'm very certain that every time he breathed an endangered species went extinct. He was alone. At least he had a cool beard-mustache combo. So strange he's not married.
   I sat in the factory-made foam seats as my ears slowly vomited to death as the music blasted at the "we're-trying-to-communicate-with-neptune" volume settings. The show was about to begin. As the models walked out, i felt bad about the Taylor Andrews school. They are really struggling in this economy. They had to save money by cutting all of the girls dresses in half. They barely had anything to wear. They must have been freezing. Poor, poor models.
   The show ended with cheers. Our mead-made neighbor took that literally and chugged another cup of beer. As I started to file out in the herd of animal women with very intimidating hair the size of a small bus, fear came in again. Like the fear of the hairstylist, only worse. The hair on these women could eat you or stab you in the eye with their two-foot split ends. The military should really look into giving their soldiers long dreadlocks to whip enemies in the face. Trust me, it hurts. These models looked so harmless on the stage, like manikins. However, in reality they were all eight feet tall, with fangs for teeth, and black spiky wings tucked behind their dresses.    I'm also sure they forgot how to smile.
     I walked out into the clean air, taking a deep breath as if I haven't respirated in several years. I caught out of my eye a bald eagle fly out of the night sky and land in one of the models hair. It was a three bedroom, two bath Gothic style, Renaissance era hairdo nest, with a jacuzzi out back, right next to the trampoline and basketball court. The eagle looked at peace. Then the beer guy breathed. 
    After each show, the models take off their three-hundred-twelve pound wigs and return them to the Hogle zoo. They then have to go through six months physical therapy to be able to turn their heads sideways again. There's a saying, "pain is temporary, hair lasts forever." Or something like that.
    I want to send a shout out to my awesome, talented, purple-glasses wearing, energetic, sushi-liking, sushi-making sister Breanna. Didn't she do an amazing job on the zebra mane vampiress manikin model? Go Bree! Take that cake you so deserve! Eat some Ben and Jerry's. You've earned it.

3 Response to "Oh my gosh! Look at all this HAIR!!!"

Kraig Says:

yayayayaya! that's my sister! she's the greatest hair stylist/sushi waitress/sister/hot air balloonist ever!

Morse Says:

I think I peed in my knickers. Kinda warm. Kinda smells like that guy's drink. Thanks for enjoying the show for us, since we couldn't make it.

David Porcaro Says:

Kyle, that was hilarious! You are an amazing writer.

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