Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?
Posted by Kyle Jacobson , Monday, May 24, 2010 3:46 PM
I don't know what it is about today that just feels like I'm in a reality TV show. But there's no prize at the end and the host is this little green guy that follows me around threatening to take my child and refuses to tell me his name. It started out waking up to an alarm clock that I never remember turning on... It woke me up like that annoying over-weight single guy with the sideways growing mustache and unconnected sideburns that sings really loudly in the public bathroom while you are trying to play sudoku. I walked up the endless flight of stairs to read the news of the day. If there was another name for news, it wouldn't have the word 'new' in it. Then I did a double take. Then a triple. Then I added cheese to that triple with a pickle on the side. IT WAS SNOWING!!!! इ कैन'टी बेलिएवे आईटी वास फ्रेअकिंग स्नोविंग. (edited for our younger and older, still alive, readers.) I cried, then threw something. Then picked it up. Threw it again. Then ate it. Then spit it out. Then threw it.
My brain had one of those "I just realized I have something to do," moments. They come every time Michael Jackson dies. So like twice. I had a "job application aptitude assessment for apes and
make us get needles stuck into our mouthes by those blood-shot eyed dentists. I drove as fast as I possibly could. That would be eight miles per six hours. This stuff they call snow which is, by the way, completely unnecessary, stopped me from progressing. Luckily, I brought my snow shoes. After I had passed the seventeen wrecks and three herds of utterly confused and misplaced flamingos, i finally arrived at the government-issue style building. The name of the company is something they created while furiously stirring their bowl of alphabits the morning before the big company name reveal. Names like Xango, Cisco, and Publix food markets, were created with the same method. I walked in thirty minutes late. The e-mail said, "Be here 5 min. early or you will NOT be admitted." Why don't they just put, you're appointment is at nine, if you come on time, you will not be admitted. It doesn't matter, I got there at nine twenty-five. I walked up the the probably engaged receptionist who pressed a secret button combination on this cool machine and picked up what seemed to be a curved bar of sorts and started talking into it. She placed it back on the machine and said, "'Something with a K' will be right with you." "Thanks," I said like a sheep, sheepishly. Seconds later a woman walked out of the door. Shook my hand like a business woman. It's kind of like a half shake with little bits of chocolate on the top. I was tempted to lick the chocolate bits, then concluded that would be "unprofessional." She showed me to the waaaaaay out of date computers. They were like windows 2003s. Gross. She went on to explain what I would be doing. This is what I heard,
In Memory of Bradley Mifson
Will you be publishing these? 'Cuz after I get over my jealousy and disappointment from all the years of thinking I was "good at creative writing", I will be purchasing your published works.