Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?

Posted by Kyle Jacobson , Monday, May 24, 2010 3:46 PM

          I don't know what it is about today that just feels like I'm in a reality TV show. But there's no prize at the end and the host is this little green guy that follows me around threatening to take my child and refuses to tell me his name. It started out waking up to an alarm clock that I never remember turning on... It woke me up like that annoying over-weight single guy with the sideways growing mustache and unconnected sideburns that sings really loudly in the public bathroom while you are trying to play sudoku. I walked up the endless flight of stairs to read the news of the day. If there was another name for news, it wouldn't have the word 'new' in it. Then I did a double take. Then a triple. Then I added cheese to that triple with a pickle on the side. IT WAS SNOWING!!!! इ कैन'टी बेलिएवे आईटी वास फ्रेअकिंग स्नोविंग. (edited for our younger and older, still alive, readers.) I cried, then threw something. Then picked it up. Threw it again. Then ate it. Then spit it out. Then threw it.
            My brain had one of those "I just realized I have something to do," moments. They come every time Michael Jackson dies. So like twice. I had a "job application aptitude assessment for apes and 

abnormally awesome semi-adults." It's right down my alley. I quickly showered. Then slowly showered. Then got dressed and ran out the door. (literally, it was still closed and I opened it with my face.) I promised I'd fix it later. I screamed as I ran, a very manly screech, to fend off soviet spies and peeps, the scary sugary marshmallow creatures with the beady little painted on eyes kind whose only mission is to 
make us get needles stuck into our mouthes by those blood-shot eyed dentists. I drove as fast as I possibly 
 could. That would be eight miles per six hours. This stuff they call snow which is, by the way, completely unnecessary, stopped me from progressing. Luckily, I brought my snow shoes. After I had passed the seventeen wrecks and three herds of utterly confused and misplaced flamingos, i finally arrived at the government-issue style building. The name of the company is something they created while furiously stirring their bowl of alphabits the morning before the big company name reveal. Names like Xango, Cisco, and Publix food markets, were created with the same method. I walked in thirty minutes late. The e-mail said, "Be here 5 min. early or you will NOT be admitted." Why don't they just put, you're appointment is at nine, if you come on time, you will not be admitted. It doesn't matter, I got there at nine twenty-five. I walked up the the probably engaged receptionist who pressed a secret button combination on this cool machine and picked up what seemed to be a curved bar of sorts and started talking into it. She placed it back on the machine and said, "'Something with a K' will be right with you." "Thanks," I said like a sheep, sheepishly. Seconds later a woman walked out of the door. Shook my hand like a business woman. It's kind of like a half shake with little bits of chocolate on the top. I was tempted to lick the chocolate bits, then concluded that would be "unprofessional."  She showed me to the waaaaaay out of date computers. They were like windows 2003s. Gross. She went on to explain what I would be doing. This is what I heard,
 "blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, it'll take you about two hours...blaaaaaaaaaaaaah" "what kind of test am I taking???" she continued, "'ll also have to take this retina scan. Remove your shoes and socks and stick your feet here on this glowing green pad. Also what is your name?" 
"Ok kyle, you're new name is Bradley Mifson." 
"What is going on!!?" I wailed, "and what kind of last name is Mifson?"  
    I proceeded with the exam. It included complex algorithms and secret patterns I had to decode with my eyes closed and a pencil in my nose. Still don't know why that was relevant. Anyway, after my mind felt like it had been blended on medium-high speeds for two hours. I walked out of the exam room with smoke coming off of the still burning hole in my argyle sweater. I also had NO IDEA where my right shoe was. K- girl left her office and spit out the following robotic phrase, "thank you for your time in taking this exam, we will send you an application through your e-mail and will let you know if you have passed for the obstacle course part of the test." 
"What.... I thought this was a customer service phone thingy?" 
She didn't respond. I think her batteries wore out. I'm highly convinced she IS a robot. I don't know what gave it away, how she fell over and made a loud clinking sound comparable to hitting a stanley's hammer on someone's metal hip, or if it was the electrical wires short-circuiting out of her neck. All in all. I am done. In the words of my brother, "work blows." 

In Memory of Bradley Mifson

1 Response to "Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?"

Derek and Andrea Says:

Will you be publishing these? 'Cuz after I get over my jealousy and disappointment from all the years of thinking I was "good at creative writing", I will be purchasing your published works.

Post a Comment