NBA players: The golden age (Part I of III)

Posted by Kyle Jacobson , Wednesday, May 26, 2010 6:54 AM

NBA players have a relatively short career life. They start training when they turn three by their over enthusiastic fathers that were terrible at basketball in high school and want to brain-wash their children, not just to make their craniums nice and shiny but, that they  will go on to become that popular kid that he never was. What deranged daddy doesn't know is that when his son becomes rich and famous, he will still feel under-achieved. It's like climbing mount everest to make up for the all the terrible cliche names that Dane keeps calling you, as he wears his unreasonably child-sized high-school championship leather jacket and goes for the phone, knocking over all of the office supplies on his desk . When you come back down, you are still ridiculously short. Some might be surprised to find the average career length of a NBA superstar is 4.82 years. Children grow up dreaming of going to college, becoming the starting center. Later, getting drafted by the NBA and pick up a ridiculous living pattern.* What they don't expect is the sudden highly impersonal text message from their coach stating, "yrr 4.82 yrs R up, dn't cm bck.....vr." we can find out what he was trying to say using high-class technology translators. 
We can translate this from "regressing-quickly-back-to-a-simpler-more-neanderthalic-era-nese," (when "ur brb, txt rofl" meant "you can't possibly be serious accepting that  job offer from those liberal big-wigs at the quarry, can you?") to proper not-so-modern day english. What he was really trying to say was, "Your 4.82 years are up, Don't come back, ever."  
        What's next?   

      Stay tuned for parts II and III....

* This includes: filling their bathtubs with cheese whiz, paying the maid, who claims she is half-Asian, to clean it up after you realize that it was a horrible idea, playing poker with gold coins and swallowing a few as a good party gag, and buying a national monument that you will later put on craig's list.  

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