I'll always be by your side, unless you have leprosy

Posted by Kyle Jacobson , Tuesday, June 15, 2010 4:27 PM

At the end of this morning's 12 hour shift I refused to leave. I was so pumped I wanted to go the full 24 hours of the day. Six to Six to Six. The managers thought it was pretty funny until I locked my ankle to the conveyor belt with twisty-ties. When I saw them coming with 7" bolt cutters and a tranquilizer gun, I weighed in my mind if this had actually been a good decision......I concluded that it was still a great decision. I slipped out of my poorly executed plan A. Thought about plan B, but quickly ruled it out because of the increase in animal rights acts. That left plan C. I scaled the wall as a jackal in a sandstorm. I didn't look back. I couldn't, my eyes have refused to open since two-thirds the way through the last shift. I tried negotiating: "Alright, I'll come down if you will give me an advance on my Christmas bonus." They thought they were convincing by responding, "You've only worked here three days. Also, Christmas isn't until December." I had no choice but to create a diversion and get up onto the rafters that were so high up that you could close your left eye and pinch your      
fingers together, making it look like you were squishing the heads of the people on the floor. I had to think of a diversion and fast. The auto-shop-gorilla-repairmen-looking security guards were already loading their tranque guns. The only thing I could think at the time was to shoot down several of the light fixtures with my pen. The thing about this pen is that it just looks like a pen. It's actually a mechanical pencil. But they had no idea. I used my marker dart skills to launch the pen-cil at the ceiling-protruding cable holding the large light fixture. I completely missed. However, the pen-cil dove into one of the day-shift crew member's eye. That was even a better diversion than my initial plan. I raced up to the rafters as fast as I could. Then I woke up in prison with a massive headache. What they don't know is that I haven't even clocked out yet! Suckers!
                                        Criminally,
                                                    Kyle

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