There are three types of people in this world and I am not one of them.

Posted by Kyle Jacobson , Sunday, June 20, 2010 2:13 AM

Sleep is completely worthless. Follow me. We awake to an obnoxious wrench-in-a-blender alarm clock seemingly always set an hour before you actually want to be woken up. Feeling like your head is trapped in a water filled zip-lock bag for at least thirty minutes. And along with the undeniable feeling of grogginess comes the insufferable morning breath that has caused at least five civil wars. And you realize there are no towels in the bathroom AFTER entering the shower. Eventually you dry yourself off with your ten-year-old toothbrush that has faded into a mouthwatering french-green color. Moseying on upstairs, finding the cereal you think you enjoy only to find all of the bowls dirty and the only clean spoons are bigger than your face. Finally putting the many parts of your breakfast experience together, you discover that the milk is the consistency of jelly beans,  and all that's left of the cereal is the gross powder moldering in the corner of the cardboard box that gave you a paper cut yesterday. According to the highly detailed statistics run by the state physics laboratory of Kylevania, represented by highly colorful graphs on Mrs. Penny's 5th grade class' construction paper, the average sleep time of teenagers in Slovenia is 5-6
hours/night. The average life span of such rebellious teenagers has, over the years, declined to a mere 84 years. There are debate-ably 365 days in every year. Making the average life span, in days, at least more than 365 days. If we were able to cut sleeping from our list of bodily needs, we would save a lot of time that should rightfully belong to watching every TV show ever brainstormed. Other bodily necessities that could and should be cut would be putting on chapstick and inflating boating tubes by mouth. Down with sleep, up with upness.

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